Meeting Death

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~Woke up with morning with the intention to die.  Make my final arrangements and say my good byes.  No one will notice or even care.  Most are here and still really don’t know.  Closed all the bills I knew would be due.  Took out the money and hid it in a shoe.  Picked out my clothes to be put on at the morgue.  Last step left is to bring my death on.  How will I check out I haven’t decided?  What will be my method to slowly do my time in?

Before I could take a few moments to myself, the phone rings and I had to quickly contain myself.  Answer the phone with a bright cheery voice to find out it’s u and u needed my help.  With tears in your voice and a whine in your breath, I had to go meet u and put off my death.

Raced to the place where u said u would be to find u sitting under a tree.  Knelt beside u and u took my hand, and place the gun down with the trigger hand.  My eyes quickly widened, and I didn’t know what to do.  I was confused and conflicted about what u were going through.  I knew my reasons for wanting to meet death but to see u this way gave me complete dread.  How could I help u when I felt the same?  Was this all happening to stop me from being deranged?

We sat and talked for hours on end and in one quick moment u gave me your hand.  The hand with the trigger, holding on to the gun which was put down and silenced with nowhere to run.  I stole deaths moment away from u.  I stopped u from doing something I knew I shouldn’t do.  U showed me this moment inside of my mind, to stop me from making a mistake being blind.

U showed me I was more then I realized and taught me to carry someone else’s pride.  I held u close, so u would never feel alone and we hold tight to these moments when we’re locked up alone.

My Void, My Heart

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My heart is a void of emotions. I feel so deeply at times I can’t breathe. Pain and hurt are cosmic jokes. The deepest emotion felt is through the heart. A jolt, a spark, stabbing aching pain. A tear I cry for the hurt inside. A smile for the façade that remains as I walk silently through a world of hate.

Creatures surround me as I try to continue the walk. They call to me in the night and tell me lies to show me light. But all I see is darkness. Is it in my heart because of pain? Do I live my life in vain? Searching for a place called home where I hide my biggest hurt. Smiles of distant friends that lie to me through forced conversations and fake interactions.

Am I really here? On this earth, in this space that I call home? It seems like I walk with light but in the darkness of my mind, I’m hiding in the world. Publicly seen but really it’s a dream of myself I project with a smile and a laugh. Are these thoughts really on my mind or just a feeling inside? A dread as the light shines in the window with the sun. A memory of a time when life was fun. This is my face but is it really me? Lost in time and space within the human race, on a rock plummeting through the galaxy of darkness, around a ball of fire that can burn us all up.

And here I am. Alive again. Another morning. Another story. Another feeling to be lost in. To transcend my higher thoughts and pretend that everything will be alright. That nothing I’ve lost thus far will be right. For me to carry on again. And continue with pretending.

NLSmith 2017

Photo credit Videohive Epic Fire Falling Flames free download

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Nest

Nest

A place of growth for young to old. It nurtures your soul and holds you close. High in the sky or low in the dark, the nest is created as a first home.

Your tribe meets u there. They show u they care. They talk & share with u and teach u things too. It’s the one place where u can be you, the nest.

The nest is where u rest from the journey of life. It gives u strength and courage when u wanna take flight. The people are love and u know you’re safe, your nest. Your home, the place u can always find love.

NLSmith 2017

A Little About the Author

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It’s sad to say I let a lot of things change me.  People’s comments about my differences and I let them silence me.  It didn’t happen overnight.  It took time, as things were repeated.  A smarter person would’ve just went where they were respected but through learned behavior I accepted it as my reality.

I don’t have a tribe or a flock of friends I can confide.  It’s just me and the words I write.  Some are stories, some are feelings from moments I seem to hide in.  I know it’s left me with the sense and phrase I always say, “A person will always remember how u made them feel.”

Good or bad, happy or sad.  Things u shared but some people’s mind will always hear the bad.  For so long I’ve watched my words because I never wanted to make anyone feel the way I felt.  At times I still won’t disclose my full truth.  It’s out of fear of being left out.  Left out for my corny jokes or the way I dress.  Or that corny thought I put in the air.

It recently hit me that it’s not people who hurt me the most but myself because I was in control.  I choose to try to blend in and it made me stick out even more.  So I’m complicit in my own feelings of being tortured even more.

I can’t hide who I am anymore.  I’m tired of looking out of an open door.  I’ve taken steps to make things right.  With some it was great, but most took flight.  I have to give credit where it’s due though, and writing is the only thing that’s kept me from falling apart.  Penning out rhymes with corny little themes.  Creating new worlds where I set the theme.

I don’t know where I’m about to go, but I’m embracing this new feeling and hoping to learn more.  U may see me around commenting on your blogs.  Reading your stories, poems, and leaving a thought.  They are great and most times make me smile.  I’m glad I found this place.  It’s finally the right time for me to be here and really be here.

Thanks for reading.

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Poem for Dee

Beauty beyond years that smiles through tears.
Tears of pain and nothing can contain the pain.
She smiles through the world with a beautiful secret.
She hides her pain from her children.
She doesn’t want anyone to know her full truth.
Some friends know but others need proof.
She’s given me so many reasons to smile.
She’s always been there for me since we meant for a while.
She stopped me once from a stupid mistake.
I used to wish that she’d let me but the time wasn’t right.
Now I can see what she means to me.
I hope in her mind she can remember her dreams.
Set her self up with the confidence I see.
Dream bigger dreams then she has ever seen.

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Mental clarity was never my thing. I was always caught up on the smallest of things. When I woke up to the truth of my life, it sent me reeling down a new path of flight. Death was lingering silently in my distance. I had to fight back and take up resistance. Now as I sit with the truths of the facts, I realize there’s so much of my life to gain back. Hidden agendas stand out so much clearly. Deceitful moments are laid out very plain. Can’t hide confusion with words that don’t matter. Mainly the truth will come through when hidden in shame. Hiding within the moment to further your cause. It happens so quickly u won’t need to take charge. As calming as words can at times be, they can also cause confusion times by three. The call through this moment of life is pleasing and feels good to take flight. Reminds me of the Phoenix that always take flight. It rises from ashes, with fire and might. Once at the bottom of the cliff, now sitting tall on the edge of resistance. Fighting for life with each breath that I take. I’ve made the choice to give my life respect.

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the Giggles

The truth is, I was more free when I was naive.  I didn’t realize the giggles from behind weren’t laughing at me.  I just didn’t care because I was consumed with what I was around.  Now looking back at the troubles that were found as I sat in front of the giggles from behind, I was me. A me that was proud and free.  Now caged knowing hate from the smallest things and taught how to fear because of the giggles.  Afraid of the day as it turns into night but I dance through the world during the first sign of sight.  I admit in confusion the illusion of change but I know from the choices I’ve made that these things are in vain.  The giggles still happen as the hair on the back of my neck send crackles of truth through my spine.  The giggles go down like a crime in the night filled with the wrong things that we face in life.  Unafraid of the giggles that life’s created with a dance on my hips, as I twist up my lips, in a dance that my life has created.

 

the Giggles

NLSmith

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Four Walls

Four Walls by Nicole Laura Smith

I mailed a letter to a friend. I asked him if he knew when the world would end. He kindly replied the world has already died. I didn’t know just what to do. I was confused, I knew it wasn’t true. I couldn’t tell him he was wrong. He was the one who was always strong. So what was I to do?

As clueless as I was when I finally got the reply, I quickly typed another letter the words could not deny;

My Friend you are so dear and true, I know that you’re confused. The world hasn’t died at all; I think it’s beyond your four walls.

Sincerely your friend Blue

Well time went past so very fast I simply couldn’t count. I seen a day, a week, a month fly past within a matter of hours. I finally got a letter back from my friend so true. It was his mom; she said he’s gone and there was nothing they could do.

I took a breath, a long deep sigh and tears started to fall. I looked up high towards the sky beyond my four walls. I see his face, his smile, it beamed, it radiated through the sky. My friend he made it all the time his best efforts to smile.

The reason that I share these words may already be clear. But I want to say in every way we all have burdens to bare. We must be kind beyond ourselves we all fight silent battles. Within our minds, within our hearts, and words they really do matter.

***Be kind to each other. Everyone has their own silent pains. Thanks for reading.

Copyright NLSmith 2014

Devoid Heart?

I can’t love anymore. I think my heart was broken once too many times. Now I feel a void where love should be. I can imagine how it should be, but I can’t feel it. I see how he looks at me and listen to what he says. His actions are true but inside of my head it’s a lie. A simple distraction to gain my attention, to get me to trust but I can’t stop this wall. I’ve taken my time to build it up and strengthen it. He tries and each time, a little of me dies.

I want to feel it but I can’t believe it’s real. Each time I tried, the love always died. But it was never real. Even from friends it was still a wish of something accepted that should have been rejected. Now as I walk in life, untrusting and lost in the dark of night, I ponder my beliefs and wonder why I couldn’t see? Why did I trust the lie and push away the truth? I didn’t demand or even request any proof. I just felt and trusted and believed. And to my surprise, were dark cold eyes. Eyes that told lies in the face of truth. Eyes that danced with a devil and would never see me through.

How do I trust myself? I’ve brought so much wealth. A wealth of pain into my life it remains. Pain of the truthful past. Pain from my trusting dance. A dance I do alone. And then create a smiling clone.