Thoughts

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~The moments I get 2 bask in ur love. Brief moments of time come 2 mind 2 see me through. Dancing smiles awake as we see life through others eyes. While we hide our love from the existence of our minds. I feel ur touch when u are nowhere in sight. I hear ur voice in my ear telling me 2 do what’s right. I feel ur stare as u dream of being closer to me. And yet this simple love through fantasy will only happen our dreams.
Love 💘
NLSmith 2017

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Unloved

Unloved

I have a friend whose misconception is the way she sees the world
It’s skewed at best but not at worst for words that can’t be told
It’s kind of hard to tell my friend that what she sees isn’t the end
Because she’s blinded herself to the truths that lie inside
She sees a world full of attention and that’s her biggest misconception
The love she has inside that she hides with childish eyes
She thinks the world is just a toy for all girls and boys
But in her mind she fears the worst she feels unloved
Unloved by family
Unloved by friends
Unloved by all that dwells within
It’s in her mind you see
Unloved by you
Unloved by me
But what I can’t help her to realize
Is that the love she feels inside
Is the love she needs the most
Because that love is best to boast
It’s the greatest misconception to feel you need love and affection
From the ones outside your mind
You’re just coveting your time
You have to open up your mind and see the love you have inside
And treasure it the most
Because it’s that love which you should boast
Once you find your love within it really changes all your trends
It helps to really see the world and the beauty that could be

Copyright NLSmith 2014
From the book, Love Through My Eyes, http://goo.gl/tRzaRY

Truth Is

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I once wrote a letter to a friend that broke her heart.
It told of truths straight from my start.
Things I’d never shared with light.
Things that I wanted to keep buried.
I had to share my truth.
I wrote about so much in my youth.
Afraid of what most people thought.
But not caring enough to hold my heart.
Finally, I had enough.
I screamed my truth from the treetops.
A few walked away from me.
It didn’t stop me from being free.
It set me on a brand-new path.
Of seeing myself and beyond my wrath.
It wasn’t pain I wanted to share.
It was the truth of my heart so rare.
I was repressed so long ago.
Made to believe how I felt shouldn’t be known.
Told to close out those feelings inside.
Shown to shove my feelings aside.
Now as I sit alone with my book.
I write this poem while reading books.
I feel so content in what’s been said.
I feel so alive and my head is clear.
I can move on with a new purpose of heart.
No longer down and hiding my spark.
My smile isn’t fake, and my time isn’t shallow.
I no longer cower about tomorrow.
She wasn’t the only who was hurt by my words.
And those who were hurt are flying like birds.
I can no longer contain the pain.
I had to let it out.
I had to make it rain.
My sister is still answering for her crimes.
And she is family but she never has time.
Time to see the part that she played.
In hiding my feelings and putting me in shame.
Now that I’m alive my mind won’t stop.
Creating poems and watching the clock.
Making sure I still have time.
Time to write out another line.

NLSmith 2017

Snippet

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Snippet

I’ve only lived a snippet of life. Just a moment in time. On a big blue ball that circles the sun. Earth itself is so old that my time isn’t told in the snippet of time that life has been created. Will we ever know just how old is the sun? How long life existed, not just dreams or inferences? Assumptions and half truths made by scholarly youths. Who think they know best how we should be impressed. A snippet, a moment, a brief dance of life and here were are. How’d we miss the dinosaurs?

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Percussive

a thought or feeling causing dread.
an idea that u wish u never had. 
the time he said he loved u then he hit u in the head.
the moment your father held u close to tell u he wished u were dead. 
the love of a friend that only came from putting u down outside your head. 
the ways society treats u that makes u wish u were dead. 
outcast and old, watching through windows.
hiding from the past while your head is constantly crass.
the ways we try to shine but always burn our light out. 
Percussive ways that destroy our soul.
things that die inside while to fight to live on.

Percussive

Meeting Death

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~Woke up with morning with the intention to die.  Make my final arrangements and say my good byes.  No one will notice or even care.  Most are here and still really don’t know.  Closed all the bills I knew would be due.  Took out the money and hid it in a shoe.  Picked out my clothes to be put on at the morgue.  Last step left is to bring my death on.  How will I check out I haven’t decided?  What will be my method to slowly do my time in?

Before I could take a few moments to myself, the phone rings and I had to quickly contain myself.  Answer the phone with a bright cheery voice to find out it’s u and u needed my help.  With tears in your voice and a whine in your breath, I had to go meet u and put off my death.

Raced to the place where u said u would be to find u sitting under a tree.  Knelt beside u and u took my hand, and place the gun down with the trigger hand.  My eyes quickly widened, and I didn’t know what to do.  I was confused and conflicted about what u were going through.  I knew my reasons for wanting to meet death but to see u this way gave me complete dread.  How could I help u when I felt the same?  Was this all happening to stop me from being deranged?

We sat and talked for hours on end and in one quick moment u gave me your hand.  The hand with the trigger, holding on to the gun which was put down and silenced with nowhere to run.  I stole deaths moment away from u.  I stopped u from doing something I knew I shouldn’t do.  U showed me this moment inside of my mind, to stop me from making a mistake being blind.

U showed me I was more then I realized and taught me to carry someone else’s pride.  I held u close, so u would never feel alone and we hold tight to these moments when we’re locked up alone.

My Void, My Heart

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My heart is a void of emotions. I feel so deeply at times I can’t breathe. Pain and hurt are cosmic jokes. The deepest emotion felt is through the heart. A jolt, a spark, stabbing aching pain. A tear I cry for the hurt inside. A smile for the façade that remains as I walk silently through a world of hate.

Creatures surround me as I try to continue the walk. They call to me in the night and tell me lies to show me light. But all I see is darkness. Is it in my heart because of pain? Do I live my life in vain? Searching for a place called home where I hide my biggest hurt. Smiles of distant friends that lie to me through forced conversations and fake interactions.

Am I really here? On this earth, in this space that I call home? It seems like I walk with light but in the darkness of my mind, I’m hiding in the world. Publicly seen but really it’s a dream of myself I project with a smile and a laugh. Are these thoughts really on my mind or just a feeling inside? A dread as the light shines in the window with the sun. A memory of a time when life was fun. This is my face but is it really me? Lost in time and space within the human race, on a rock plummeting through the galaxy of darkness, around a ball of fire that can burn us all up.

And here I am. Alive again. Another morning. Another story. Another feeling to be lost in. To transcend my higher thoughts and pretend that everything will be alright. That nothing I’ve lost thus far will be right. For me to carry on again. And continue with pretending.

NLSmith 2017

Photo credit Videohive Epic Fire Falling Flames free download

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Nest

Nest

A place of growth for young to old. It nurtures your soul and holds you close. High in the sky or low in the dark, the nest is created as a first home.

Your tribe meets u there. They show u they care. They talk & share with u and teach u things too. It’s the one place where u can be you, the nest.

The nest is where u rest from the journey of life. It gives u strength and courage when u wanna take flight. The people are love and u know you’re safe, your nest. Your home, the place u can always find love.

NLSmith 2017

A Little About the Author

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It’s sad to say I let a lot of things change me.  People’s comments about my differences and I let them silence me.  It didn’t happen overnight.  It took time, as things were repeated.  A smarter person would’ve just went where they were respected but through learned behavior I accepted it as my reality.

I don’t have a tribe or a flock of friends I can confide.  It’s just me and the words I write.  Some are stories, some are feelings from moments I seem to hide in.  I know it’s left me with the sense and phrase I always say, “A person will always remember how u made them feel.”

Good or bad, happy or sad.  Things u shared but some people’s mind will always hear the bad.  For so long I’ve watched my words because I never wanted to make anyone feel the way I felt.  At times I still won’t disclose my full truth.  It’s out of fear of being left out.  Left out for my corny jokes or the way I dress.  Or that corny thought I put in the air.

It recently hit me that it’s not people who hurt me the most but myself because I was in control.  I choose to try to blend in and it made me stick out even more.  So I’m complicit in my own feelings of being tortured even more.

I can’t hide who I am anymore.  I’m tired of looking out of an open door.  I’ve taken steps to make things right.  With some it was great, but most took flight.  I have to give credit where it’s due though, and writing is the only thing that’s kept me from falling apart.  Penning out rhymes with corny little themes.  Creating new worlds where I set the theme.

I don’t know where I’m about to go, but I’m embracing this new feeling and hoping to learn more.  U may see me around commenting on your blogs.  Reading your stories, poems, and leaving a thought.  They are great and most times make me smile.  I’m glad I found this place.  It’s finally the right time for me to be here and really be here.

Thanks for reading.

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Poem for Dee

Beauty beyond years that smiles through tears.
Tears of pain and nothing can contain the pain.
She smiles through the world with a beautiful secret.
She hides her pain from her children.
She doesn’t want anyone to know her full truth.
Some friends know but others need proof.
She’s given me so many reasons to smile.
She’s always been there for me since we meant for a while.
She stopped me once from a stupid mistake.
I used to wish that she’d let me but the time wasn’t right.
Now I can see what she means to me.
I hope in her mind she can remember her dreams.
Set her self up with the confidence I see.
Dream bigger dreams then she has ever seen.

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Mental clarity was never my thing. I was always caught up on the smallest of things. When I woke up to the truth of my life, it sent me reeling down a new path of flight. Death was lingering silently in my distance. I had to fight back and take up resistance. Now as I sit with the truths of the facts, I realize there’s so much of my life to gain back. Hidden agendas stand out so much clearly. Deceitful moments are laid out very plain. Can’t hide confusion with words that don’t matter. Mainly the truth will come through when hidden in shame. Hiding within the moment to further your cause. It happens so quickly u won’t need to take charge. As calming as words can at times be, they can also cause confusion times by three. The call through this moment of life is pleasing and feels good to take flight. Reminds me of the Phoenix that always take flight. It rises from ashes, with fire and might. Once at the bottom of the cliff, now sitting tall on the edge of resistance. Fighting for life with each breath that I take. I’ve made the choice to give my life respect.

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the Giggles

The truth is, I was more free when I was naive.  I didn’t realize the giggles from behind weren’t laughing at me.  I just didn’t care because I was consumed with what I was around.  Now looking back at the troubles that were found as I sat in front of the giggles from behind, I was me. A me that was proud and free.  Now caged knowing hate from the smallest things and taught how to fear because of the giggles.  Afraid of the day as it turns into night but I dance through the world during the first sign of sight.  I admit in confusion the illusion of change but I know from the choices I’ve made that these things are in vain.  The giggles still happen as the hair on the back of my neck send crackles of truth through my spine.  The giggles go down like a crime in the night filled with the wrong things that we face in life.  Unafraid of the giggles that life’s created with a dance on my hips, as I twist up my lips, in a dance that my life has created.

 

the Giggles

NLSmith

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Four Walls

Four Walls by Nicole Laura Smith

I mailed a letter to a friend. I asked him if he knew when the world would end. He kindly replied the world has already died. I didn’t know just what to do. I was confused, I knew it wasn’t true. I couldn’t tell him he was wrong. He was the one who was always strong. So what was I to do?

As clueless as I was when I finally got the reply, I quickly typed another letter the words could not deny;

My Friend you are so dear and true, I know that you’re confused. The world hasn’t died at all; I think it’s beyond your four walls.

Sincerely your friend Blue

Well time went past so very fast I simply couldn’t count. I seen a day, a week, a month fly past within a matter of hours. I finally got a letter back from my friend so true. It was his mom; she said he’s gone and there was nothing they could do.

I took a breath, a long deep sigh and tears started to fall. I looked up high towards the sky beyond my four walls. I see his face, his smile, it beamed, it radiated through the sky. My friend he made it all the time his best efforts to smile.

The reason that I share these words may already be clear. But I want to say in every way we all have burdens to bare. We must be kind beyond ourselves we all fight silent battles. Within our minds, within our hearts, and words they really do matter.

***Be kind to each other. Everyone has their own silent pains. Thanks for reading.

Copyright NLSmith 2014

Happy Holidays

Been a hectic few weeks and I haven’t had enough time to edit and post. I have been cruising through and reading here and there. These holidays have had me tied up between cooking and working and writing ideas and poems but leaves no time to post much. I’m penning this while I have these few moments of downtime at work. Hopefully with the new year I’ll be better at my time management and get to post more regularly.

Meanwhile, I wanted to take a moment to wish u all a very happy and safe New Year’s and hope u all had a good holiday season. I know some people struggle during this time, I’m one of them but there is a rainbow in the distance and nothing stopping it but a thought. If we give nurishment to the positive, we are more likely to get that positive back. 

Take care and share the smiles!!! We all need that in a world that most times shares more hate than anyone needs. Smile power always rules!!! Keep it up or keep it to yourself!!! See u around!!!

Nicole L. 

Relate

Relate is something I can’t do very well
Like the time I tried to fit in and boy did I fail
It was a crazy dream I tried to live out
But I fell off a cloud and didn’t take flight
Relate is a word that covers me with fears
As I turn around and covet my tears
Drowning in a world that relates with a few
Because the majority doesn’t try fit in our shoes
We hide in plain sight and don’t blend in right
But we fight for existence and often we take flight
We argue with our minds not to blend in too much
But we must blend in, so we don’t lose all touch
It’s exhausting I admit trying to just be myself
But I can’t very well act like anyone else
Some people are good at the fifty fake out
Some struggle within
Some turn the lights out
We all have our ways that we cope to relate
Like the guy down the street who tries just imitates
Or the girl in the back with the crazy thoughts
That she needs to be covered in heavy makeup
Or the guy who feels he needs a beard to fit in
Like the maze that go through to relate and fit in
But we need to all realize that while some can fit in
That almost all of us are afraid that we don’t relate
That we don’t fit in

 

Relate

Theory

Theory

Conspiracy theories are running wild these days. We have a clown in government that’s loud in all the wrong ways. Yelling about everything wrong, but doing nothing to improve that song. Meanwhile the suffering of the young and uninterested go unseen. With wild, dangerous nights, and crazy passionate dreams. We call the attention to ourselves in the world, by speaking out truths in puzzles unfurled. My dreams are alas the worse from my past and they go unseen in a world full of dreams. I can’t breathe in this world with people on my neck. I can’t escape a reality that has always been kept. This life in the end is supposed to be lived. But what exactly are these feelings being hid? I can’t see with the truth of a lie covering my eyes, but the doubt put into words are why many cry. Theories and stories, dreams and lies, truths untold that drown out the cries. Nothing is real and yet nothing is fake yet these dreamy dull moments are what life is made of.

NLSmith 2017

 

 

Zo

at times i feel i’m living in the world of a zoo

i half of the time don’t know what to do

i keep getting sidetracked by life

it causes me pain most days and strife

there are times when i can cry

then the times when i hold my head up high

lost in the cross of this zoo called life

with so many animals demanding rights

humans that bleed blood and kill for power

i don’t know how to separate hours

the time i’ve spent living has shown me no proof

no proof that life is different in then an animal zoo

NLSmith 2017

I don’t know if this is a poem or a rant…lol. Life man, this is a crazy place called reality.

Zoo