Been a hectic few weeks and I haven’t had enough time to edit and post. I have been cruising through and reading here and there. These holidays have had me tied up between cooking and working and writing ideas and poems but leaves no time to post much. I’m penning this while I have these few moments of downtime at work. Hopefully with the new year I’ll be better at my time management and get to post more regularly.
Meanwhile, I wanted to take a moment to wish u all a very happy and safe New Year’s and hope u all had a good holiday season. I know some people struggle during this time, I’m one of them but there is a rainbow in the distance and nothing stopping it but a thought. If we give nurishment to the positive, we are more likely to get that positive back.
Take care and share the smiles!!! We all need that in a world that most times shares more hate than anyone needs. Smile power always rules!!! Keep it up or keep it to yourself!!! See u around!!!
I’ve only lived a snippet of life. Just a moment in time. On a big blue ball that circles the sun. Earth itself is so old that my time isn’t told in the snippet of time that life has been created. Will we ever know just how old is the sun? How long life existed, not just dreams or inferences? Assumptions and half truths made by scholarly youths. Who think they know best how we should be impressed. A snippet, a moment, a brief dance of life and here were are. How’d we miss the dinosaurs?
a thought or feeling causing dread.
an idea that u wish u never had.
the time he said he loved u then he hit u in the head.
the moment your father held u close to tell u he wished u were dead.
the love of a friend that only came from putting u down outside your head.
the ways society treats u that makes u wish u were dead.
outcast and old, watching through windows.
hiding from the past while your head is constantly crass.
the ways we try to shine but always burn our light out.
Percussive ways that destroy our soul.
things that die inside while to fight to live on.
My heart is a void of emotions. I feel so deeply at times I can’t breathe. Pain and hurt are cosmic jokes. The deepest emotion felt is through the heart. A jolt, a spark, stabbing aching pain. A tear I cry for the hurt inside. A smile for the façade that remains as I walk silently through a world of hate.
Creatures surround me as I try to continue the walk. They call to me in the night and tell me lies to show me light. But all I see is darkness. Is it in my heart because of pain? Do I live my life in vain? Searching for a place called home where I hide my biggest hurt. Smiles of distant friends that lie to me through forced conversations and fake interactions.
Am I really here? On this earth, in this space that I call home? It seems like I walk with light but in the darkness of my mind, I’m hiding in the world. Publicly seen but really it’s a dream of myself I project with a smile and a laugh. Are these thoughts really on my mind or just a feeling inside? A dread as the light shines in the window with the sun. A memory of a time when life was fun. This is my face but is it really me? Lost in time and space within the human race, on a rock plummeting through the galaxy of darkness, around a ball of fire that can burn us all up.
And here I am. Alive again. Another morning. Another story. Another feeling to be lost in. To transcend my higher thoughts and pretend that everything will be alright. That nothing I’ve lost thus far will be right. For me to carry on again. And continue with pretending.
Photo credit Videohive Epic Fire Falling Flames free download
What can i say about sludge…
Self loathing underestimated dull gorging existence of life is just that sludge…it’ll make u all gooey and sticky.
Let’s not life that way.
I was hiding in a world so open
Constantly wondering what was wrong
Seeing the days pass like water running
Contemplating old times
Then I opened myself to u
Didn’t realize what would happen
First was fun and quiet times
Than the drama between the lines
Couldn’t cope so I shut myself down
But dammit here u are still around
No pressure from truth
No flight or proof
Just continual moments of splendor
And acts of seduction and surrenders
A love affair that’s quietly seen
Something that’s made from dreams
Something u don’t want to end
So deep u can’t even tell friends
Quietly between you and I
Hiding my fears and removing my doubts
A closer friendship we have created
And something so secret we can’t even explain it
It’s sad to say I let a lot of things change me. People’s comments about my differences and I let them silence me. It didn’t happen overnight. It took time, as things were repeated. A smarter person would’ve just went where they were respected but through learned behavior I accepted it as my reality.
I don’t have a tribe or a flock of friends I can confide. It’s just me and the words I write. Some are stories, some are feelings from moments I seem to hide in. I know it’s left me with the sense and phrase I always say, “A person will always remember how u made them feel.”
Good or bad, happy or sad. Things u shared but some people’s mind will always hear the bad. For so long I’ve watched my words because I never wanted to make anyone feel the way I felt. At times I still won’t disclose my full truth. It’s out of fear of being left out. Left out for my corny jokes or the way I dress. Or that corny thought I put in the air.
It recently hit me that it’s not people who hurt me the most but myself because I was in control. I choose to try to blend in and it made me stick out even more. So I’m complicit in my own feelings of being tortured even more.
I can’t hide who I am anymore. I’m tired of looking out of an open door. I’ve taken steps to make things right. With some it was great, but most took flight. I have to give credit where it’s due though, and writing is the only thing that’s kept me from falling apart. Penning out rhymes with corny little themes. Creating new worlds where I set the theme.
I don’t know where I’m about to go, but I’m embracing this new feeling and hoping to learn more. U may see me around commenting on your blogs. Reading your stories, poems, and leaving a thought. They are great and most times make me smile. I’m glad I found this place. It’s finally the right time for me to be here and really be here.
Thanks for reading.