My Void, My Heart

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My heart is a void of emotions. I feel so deeply at times I can’t breathe. Pain and hurt are cosmic jokes. The deepest emotion felt is through the heart. A jolt, a spark, stabbing aching pain. A tear I cry for the hurt inside. A smile for the façade that remains as I walk silently through a world of hate.

Creatures surround me as I try to continue the walk. They call to me in the night and tell me lies to show me light. But all I see is darkness. Is it in my heart because of pain? Do I live my life in vain? Searching for a place called home where I hide my biggest hurt. Smiles of distant friends that lie to me through forced conversations and fake interactions.

Am I really here? On this earth, in this space that I call home? It seems like I walk with light but in the darkness of my mind, I’m hiding in the world. Publicly seen but really it’s a dream of myself I project with a smile and a laugh. Are these thoughts really on my mind or just a feeling inside? A dread as the light shines in the window with the sun. A memory of a time when life was fun. This is my face but is it really me? Lost in time and space within the human race, on a rock plummeting through the galaxy of darkness, around a ball of fire that can burn us all up.

And here I am. Alive again. Another morning. Another story. Another feeling to be lost in. To transcend my higher thoughts and pretend that everything will be alright. That nothing I’ve lost thus far will be right. For me to carry on again. And continue with pretending.

NLSmith 2017

Photo credit Videohive Epic Fire Falling Flames free download

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Nest

Nest

A place of growth for young to old. It nurtures your soul and holds you close. High in the sky or low in the dark, the nest is created as a first home.

Your tribe meets u there. They show u they care. They talk & share with u and teach u things too. It’s the one place where u can be you, the nest.

The nest is where u rest from the journey of life. It gives u strength and courage when u wanna take flight. The people are love and u know you’re safe, your nest. Your home, the place u can always find love.

NLSmith 2017

Lust

I was hiding in a world so open
Constantly wondering what was wrong
Seeing the days pass like water running
Contemplating old times
Then I opened myself to u
Didn’t realize what would happen
First was fun and quiet times
Than the drama between the lines
Couldn’t cope so I shut myself down
But dammit here u are still around
No pressure from truth
No flight or proof
Just continual moments of splendor
And acts of seduction and surrenders
A love affair that’s quietly seen
Something that’s made from dreams
Something u don’t want to end
So deep u can’t even tell friends
Quietly between you and I
Hiding my fears and removing my doubts
A closer friendship we have created
And something so secret we can’t even explain it

NLSmith 2016

A Little About the Author

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It’s sad to say I let a lot of things change me.  People’s comments about my differences and I let them silence me.  It didn’t happen overnight.  It took time, as things were repeated.  A smarter person would’ve just went where they were respected but through learned behavior I accepted it as my reality.

I don’t have a tribe or a flock of friends I can confide.  It’s just me and the words I write.  Some are stories, some are feelings from moments I seem to hide in.  I know it’s left me with the sense and phrase I always say, “A person will always remember how u made them feel.”

Good or bad, happy or sad.  Things u shared but some people’s mind will always hear the bad.  For so long I’ve watched my words because I never wanted to make anyone feel the way I felt.  At times I still won’t disclose my full truth.  It’s out of fear of being left out.  Left out for my corny jokes or the way I dress.  Or that corny thought I put in the air.

It recently hit me that it’s not people who hurt me the most but myself because I was in control.  I choose to try to blend in and it made me stick out even more.  So I’m complicit in my own feelings of being tortured even more.

I can’t hide who I am anymore.  I’m tired of looking out of an open door.  I’ve taken steps to make things right.  With some it was great, but most took flight.  I have to give credit where it’s due though, and writing is the only thing that’s kept me from falling apart.  Penning out rhymes with corny little themes.  Creating new worlds where I set the theme.

I don’t know where I’m about to go, but I’m embracing this new feeling and hoping to learn more.  U may see me around commenting on your blogs.  Reading your stories, poems, and leaving a thought.  They are great and most times make me smile.  I’m glad I found this place.  It’s finally the right time for me to be here and really be here.

Thanks for reading.