Devoid Heart?

I can’t love anymore. I think my heart was broken once too many times. Now I feel a void where love should be. I can imagine how it should be, but I can’t feel it. I see how he looks at me and listen to what he says. His actions are true but inside of my head it’s a lie. A simple distraction to gain my attention, to get me to trust but I can’t stop this wall. I’ve taken my time to build it up and strengthen it. He tries and each time, a little of me dies.

I want to feel it but I can’t believe it’s real. Each time I tried, the love always died. But it was never real. Even from friends it was still a wish of something accepted that should have been rejected. Now as I walk in life, untrusting and lost in the dark of night, I ponder my beliefs and wonder why I couldn’t see? Why did I trust the lie and push away the truth? I didn’t demand or even request any proof. I just felt and trusted and believed. And to my surprise, were dark cold eyes. Eyes that told lies in the face of truth. Eyes that danced with a devil and would never see me through.

How do I trust myself? I’ve brought so much wealth. A wealth of pain into my life it remains. Pain of the truthful past. Pain from my trusting dance. A dance I do alone. And then create a smiling clone.

Meeting Death

~Woke up with morning with the intention to die.  Make my final arrangements and say my good byes.  No one will notice or even care.  Most are here and still really don’t know.  Closed all the bills I knew would be due.  Took out the money and hid it in a shoe.  Picked out my clothes to be put on at the morgue.  Last step left is to bring my death on.  How will I check out I haven’t decided?  What will be my method to slowly do my time in?

Before I could take a few moments to myself, the phone rings and I had to quickly contain myself.  Answer the phone with a bright cheery voice to find out it’s u and u needed my help.  With tears in your voice and a whine in your breath, I had to go meet u and put off my death.

Raced to the place where u said u would be to find u sitting under a tree.  Knelt beside u and u took my hand, and place the gun down with the trigger hand.  My eyes quickly widened, and I didn’t know what to do.  I was confused and conflicted about what u were going through.  I knew my reasons for wanting to meet death but to see u this way gave me complete dread.  How could I help u when I felt the same?  Was this all happening to stop me from being deranged?

We sat and talked for hours on end and in one quick moment u gave me your hand.  The hand with the trigger, holding on to the gun which was put down and silenced with nowhere to run.  I stole deaths moment away from u.  I stopped u from doing something I knew I shouldn’t do.  U showed me this moment inside of my mind, to stop me from making a mistake being blind.

U showed me I was more then I realized and taught me to carry someone else’s pride.  I held u close, so u would never feel alone and we hold tight to these moments when we’re locked up alone.

My Void, My Heart

My heart is a void of emotions. I feel so deeply at times I can’t breathe. Pain and hurt are cosmic jokes. The deepest emotion felt is through the heart. A jolt, a spark, stabbing aching pain. A tear I cry for the hurt inside. A smile for the façade that remains as I walk silently through a world of hate.

Creatures surround me as I try to continue the walk. They call to me in the night and tell me lies to show me light. But all I see is darkness. Is it in my heart because of pain? Do I live my life in vain? Searching for a place called home where I hide my biggest hurt. Smiles of distant friends that lie to me through forced conversations and fake interactions.

Am I really here? On this earth, in this space that I call home? It seems like I walk with light but in the darkness of my mind, I’m hiding in the world. Publicly seen but really it’s a dream of myself I project with a smile and a laugh. Are these thoughts really on my mind or just a feeling inside? A dread as the light shines in the window with the sun. A memory of a time when life was fun. This is my face but is it really me? Lost in time and space within the human race, on a rock plummeting through the galaxy of darkness, around a ball of fire that can burn us all up.

And here I am. Alive again. Another morning. Another story. Another feeling to be lost in. To transcend my higher thoughts and pretend that everything will be alright. That nothing I’ve lost thus far will be right. For me to carry on again. And continue with pretending.

NLSmith 2017

Photo credit Videohive Epic Fire Falling Flames free download

Nest

Nest

A place of growth for young to old. It nurtures your soul and holds you close. High in the sky or low in the dark, the nest is created as a first home.

Your tribe meets u there. They show u they care. They talk & share with u and teach u things too. It’s the one place where u can be you, the nest.

The nest is where u rest from the journey of life. It gives u strength and courage when u wanna take flight. The people are love and u know you’re safe, your nest. Your home, the place u can always find love.

NLSmith 2017